My Nightmare

You know sometimes I feel like everything that is happening now in my life is nothing more than a nightmare that I can't wake from. I'm in a coma and it's all a dream. Someone needs to pinch me and save me from this horror. I can not accept the fact that my mother is really dead. How can that be?I lie in my bed,with my door closed and think maybe she really is in the other room. DO not open that door or you will see that she's not there. You never in a million years think that you will lose a parent to a gunshot. So why couldn't they do anything to save her?What about all these loser rappers and thugs who get shot 5,6,even 10 times that live? The more scars they show, the badder they are. But one single gunshot and my mom is gone. If someone can really explain this to me, I'd like to hear about it. You know summer is coming and my mom should be planting her flowers, getting the backyard ready for the parties, driving around w/ the top off her jeep and preparing for the weekend trips to the shore. BUT, none of that is gonna happen, ever again. Losing my mom has opened my eyes to so many things, some for the good and some for the bad. The good being that maybe I can change some things in this lame ass country of ours. I'll give you an example. There is not enough funding for mental illness or suicide in this country. Even though every 39 seconds someone in this country attempts to take their own life. Every 17 minutes someone succeeds. Every 24 hours a police officer kills himself. You may say "So what, let them die if they want to". Well people, wake up call, these people need help. They are sick, just like someone w/ cancer is sick."If any other illness took so many of our best and brightest we'd spend billions of dollars to find a cure" How much money does the government waste on all the illegal immigrants in this country? CLOSE THE BORDERS! How much money is wasted on people on death row? JUST KILL THEM! How much money to we send to other countries to help their people? TAKE CARE OF YOUR OWN! I mean come on people wake up! I mean how many more lives is it going to take? You know more people die in this country from suicide than from homicide. Now if you know what is going on in Philly w/ all the homicides, that is a pretty scary statistic. So I'm going to do whatever it takes to try to help with this illness. You know learning to live without my mom is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It sucks.It really does. Telling my 4 year old daughter that her wish for Mommom to come back is never gonna come true SUCKS. Listening to her and my niece cry their little hearts out for their Mommom SUCKS! So many people were robbed of the blessing of knowing my mom. So many more were robbed of having anymore great times with her. If anyone reads this and is thinking of ending it all and that there is no hope for you, just think about all the pain you will cause the people who care about you for the rest of their lives. Maybe you think that noone loves you or cares about you. Maybe you never hear it. Well maybe you should try to tell people more often how much you care about them and how much you love them. Just because you think that they know doesn't mean that they don't need to hear it. So why don't you try to tell one person a day how much they mean to you. It feels good to hear "I love you" once in awhile or "Thank you for being such a great friend". That's all I have to say for now......T