Hurt

Well I haven't written in over a month. I guess because I haven't felt anything or I should say I haven't let myself feel anything. Well I do now. I miss my mom soooooo much. It's all I can think about. I'm just really sad. I feel very alone right now. There are a lot of people that care about me that I could talk to, but, I can't. For me to just tell someone that I hurt or that I'm upset isn't possible. I wouldn't tell them either if they asked. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. Why? I don't know. I just wanna forget everything that happened. But I have the same thing playing through my head over and over again. I don't know how to make it stop or go away. I want to remember the good times w/ my mom and not that horrible night and the days to follow. You know Hailey was upset the other day and I heard her talking to herself. She was saying how she was gonna run away like Mommom and never come back. It broke my heart, she's only four. I wanna take her hurt away so bad. I love more than this world and I would die for her. Why didn't my mom love me that much. She died for her not me. She has some seriously screwed up kids. When will things get better? When will the pain lessen? When will I stop hurting? Why does anyone have to feel this pain? I just wann run away, forget this life ever happened. I wanna start a new life. But all I really want is my mom. I need to fight the tears. I don't wanna feel anything, numb is better. SCREW THIS STUPID WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!