I Hate This

I'm having one of those days again.I miss my mom so much.I would do anything to have her back.Everytime I watch the news and see someone else killed by a gun makes me so fucking mad.People are killing everybody, children,lovers and themselves.What the fuck is wrong w/ people?How could my mom want to leave us.Why couldn't she love me as much as I love Hailey.Hailey still cries for her and once again she used her birthday wish for mommom to be alive again.What am I suppose to say to her when she asks why mommom can't be here? My mom has 4 new grandkids since she died.It's already been 20 months and I still miss her just as much. How do you get through this?How do you survive watching someone you love so much kill themself? I can't talk to anyone about this because people don't know what to say and it makes for an uncomfortable situation.So I guess I'm just stuck w/ writting again. I just hope that some how, some day I will be healed from this pain and that I can stop blaming myself.But until then the guilt will continue to eat away at me........