TIME

So last Saturday was 6 months since my mom died.You would think that w/ time it would get easier but I don't believe that.Six hours,days,weeks,months and years.Does it really make a difference?You will always miss that person.So I'm told that at about six months you start coming out of the fog.I do believe that's true.But if you know me, you know that I will fight that hurt and pain.The image of my mom laying in the coffin haunts me.I can't get it out of my head.Her facial expression was that of anger.She looked so pissed.I wish that wasn't the last visual I had of her.I also wish her last words to me weren't that"I'm leaving".I just didn't realize she meant for ever at that moment.She looked me right in the eyes.I can see it like it just happened.I still have this idea in the back of my head that I'm in a coma and this is all a dream.I mean I know that I'll never see her again.But sometimes I'll walk into the house and smell a certain kind of food cooking and think she's in the kitchen.I'll smell her perfume and think she's in the other room.Sometimes I lay in my bed and pretend that she's in the living room watching TV.I just don't know how I'm ever going to get through this.As I cry typing this, there is a part of me that gets very angry for being upset.I have a message to everyone out there in internet land.Don't take your parents for granted.Spend as much time as possible w/ them and tell them often how much you love them.Trust me, you'll wish you did after it's to late.I never told my mom how much I loved her.To late now....................

Hurt

Well I haven't written in over a month. I guess because I haven't felt anything or I should say I haven't let myself feel anything. Well I do now. I miss my mom soooooo much. It's all I can think about. I'm just really sad. I feel very alone right now. There are a lot of people that care about me that I could talk to, but, I can't. For me to just tell someone that I hurt or that I'm upset isn't possible. I wouldn't tell them either if they asked. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. Why? I don't know. I just wanna forget everything that happened. But I have the same thing playing through my head over and over again. I don't know how to make it stop or go away. I want to remember the good times w/ my mom and not that horrible night and the days to follow. You know Hailey was upset the other day and I heard her talking to herself. She was saying how she was gonna run away like Mommom and never come back. It broke my heart, she's only four. I wanna take her hurt away so bad. I love more than this world and I would die for her. Why didn't my mom love me that much. She died for her not me. She has some seriously screwed up kids. When will things get better? When will the pain lessen? When will I stop hurting? Why does anyone have to feel this pain? I just wann run away, forget this life ever happened. I wanna start a new life. But all I really want is my mom. I need to fight the tears. I don't wanna feel anything, numb is better. SCREW THIS STUPID WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!