It's Been Awhile

So it has been awhile since I wrote. I decided it was time to start writing again. They say writing is therapeutic,so we shall see. I'm really missing my mom lately. I was looking at pictures of her the other day and it made me so sad. But someone pointed out to me, that in all the pictures, she is always smiling.I looked through all the pictures and she was always smiling. She looked so happy, yet she must have been so tormented deep inside for her to end her life. It's so hard to comprehend sometimes that I will never see her smile again. I wish she would have just told someone, anyone how much anguish she was in. Did she feel like she had no one to talk to? It's really fucked up that none of her kids or her grand kids were enough for her to fight through the pain she was in. There are so many times that I just want to call her and tell her that I loved her and forgave her for everything. I would kill to have just 5 minutes with her. You know I know a lot of you have thought about killing yourselves at one time in your life and you think that no one will care,no one will miss you or they will get over it.I'm living proof that it's not true. I will never get over,I will never stop missing her,I will never stop regretting that night,I will continue to have to go see a shrink because I can't get through the guilt and pain. My mom's decision has had a ripple effect. My daughter still asks constantly why mommom had to die and how long til she dies so she can see her. This whole thing fucking sucks. I believe that everything happens in life for a reason. Yet I struggle so hard to figure out this reason. Should I be using this experience to help others? Do I go talk at schools about suicide? My heart tells me yes but that would mean me really dealing with this and honestly I don't think I'm ready. Then again it's me we are talking about which means I will probably never be ready. But if I could just save one person from this than it would be worth it. I wish someone would tell me what to do. So if anyone out there in Internet land has any suggestions let me know. I know that unless you have lived through this, it's hard for you to fully understand all of this and grasp the pain. Trust me you never want to live through this and in the unfortunate event that you do, don't let it become an option for you because it does become an option. I guess that is all for now. Make sure you take the time to tell the people you love that you do love them......T