Easter

I can't sleep so here we go.Tomorrow is Easter and I wish my mom was here.I miss her so much, sometimes it seems like forever since she's been gone. I feel like there is a part of my heart that is gone. People think that I'm over it but I don't think that will ever happen. I never talk about her to anyone or tell them how much I miss her. No one knows that I cry for her, not even my sisters. I was just looking at the baskets out on the table for the kids and there was an egg for her. Tomorrow has become a nightmare about where everyone's eating dinner. My grandmother wanted us all to eat there, not happening. You know stop being so fucking fake. She wants to be this fucking grandmom that she never was. So my brother is going there for dinner, my stepdad is up the Pocono's w/ his stupid gf, and I am having dinner at my house w/ my 2 sisters and all the kids. I wish we were having our Easter dinner like we always did w/ my mom. I wish I could go back in time so bad. I should have saved her. I will never get over that part, I don't care what anyone says. Why did she have to say bye to me? Why did she have to leave me w/ all these feelings of guilt for the rest of my life? It's fucked up. Why couldn't she have just gone out the back door? Mom I love you and miss you sooooo much.Happy heavenly Easter.