Burying Her Ashes

So we are finally burying my mom's ashes. We will be burying her and my uncle together. I have wanted to do this since the beginning but it was not agreed on by everyone. My mom didn't want to be buried and if she would have died normally then I would have followed her wishes. But since she choose to do it her way, she doesn't have a say. I need to be able to go to the cemetery when I feel the need. Some people hate cemeteries. I find going to a persons grave, being able to place flowers and just sit in peace and quite very therapeutic. I also need this for my daughter. Every time we pass one she always asks if that's where mommom is and if she can go put flowers on it. My daughter is to young to know that my mom was cremated. It's very hard for my mind to understand that let alone a 7 year old. So her and brother will finally be placed together. It was really weird picking out her grave stone. I thought it was crazy the day after she died picking out her flowers for the funeral. You never think that you will be doing that for someone you love. So I picked her her stone and it will have their names and will say "Eternal Siblings". I hope the headstone will be on by Christmas. I think when this is all done it will kinda give some kind of closure. But we shall see......

It's Been Awhile

So it has been awhile since I wrote. I decided it was time to start writing again. They say writing is therapeutic,so we shall see. I'm really missing my mom lately. I was looking at pictures of her the other day and it made me so sad. But someone pointed out to me, that in all the pictures, she is always smiling.I looked through all the pictures and she was always smiling. She looked so happy, yet she must have been so tormented deep inside for her to end her life. It's so hard to comprehend sometimes that I will never see her smile again. I wish she would have just told someone, anyone how much anguish she was in. Did she feel like she had no one to talk to? It's really fucked up that none of her kids or her grand kids were enough for her to fight through the pain she was in. There are so many times that I just want to call her and tell her that I loved her and forgave her for everything. I would kill to have just 5 minutes with her. You know I know a lot of you have thought about killing yourselves at one time in your life and you think that no one will care,no one will miss you or they will get over it.I'm living proof that it's not true. I will never get over,I will never stop missing her,I will never stop regretting that night,I will continue to have to go see a shrink because I can't get through the guilt and pain. My mom's decision has had a ripple effect. My daughter still asks constantly why mommom had to die and how long til she dies so she can see her. This whole thing fucking sucks. I believe that everything happens in life for a reason. Yet I struggle so hard to figure out this reason. Should I be using this experience to help others? Do I go talk at schools about suicide? My heart tells me yes but that would mean me really dealing with this and honestly I don't think I'm ready. Then again it's me we are talking about which means I will probably never be ready. But if I could just save one person from this than it would be worth it. I wish someone would tell me what to do. So if anyone out there in Internet land has any suggestions let me know. I know that unless you have lived through this, it's hard for you to fully understand all of this and grasp the pain. Trust me you never want to live through this and in the unfortunate event that you do, don't let it become an option for you because it does become an option. I guess that is all for now. Make sure you take the time to tell the people you love that you do love them......T

Her Birthday

So today would have been my mom's 49 birthday.I didn't do anything special for it.My family went out and had a drink to her. I didn't go,as I tend to stay away from that stuff. I'm a little sad today. I'm sad that we won't get to give her the big 50th party that she so deserved. I'm sad that she's missing so much. The football season is getting harder. She died just hours after the Eagles won the NFC Championship game. I feel the Eagles winning again and it upsets me. You know what, I can't do this right now. I'll write later.Happy Birthday Mommy I love you forever and a day.

I Hate This

I'm having one of those days again.I miss my mom so much.I would do anything to have her back.Everytime I watch the news and see someone else killed by a gun makes me so fucking mad.People are killing everybody, children,lovers and themselves.What the fuck is wrong w/ people?How could my mom want to leave us.Why couldn't she love me as much as I love Hailey.Hailey still cries for her and once again she used her birthday wish for mommom to be alive again.What am I suppose to say to her when she asks why mommom can't be here? My mom has 4 new grandkids since she died.It's already been 20 months and I still miss her just as much. How do you get through this?How do you survive watching someone you love so much kill themself? I can't talk to anyone about this because people don't know what to say and it makes for an uncomfortable situation.So I guess I'm just stuck w/ writting again. I just hope that some how, some day I will be healed from this pain and that I can stop blaming myself.But until then the guilt will continue to eat away at me........

Easter

I can't sleep so here we go.Tomorrow is Easter and I wish my mom was here.I miss her so much, sometimes it seems like forever since she's been gone. I feel like there is a part of my heart that is gone. People think that I'm over it but I don't think that will ever happen. I never talk about her to anyone or tell them how much I miss her. No one knows that I cry for her, not even my sisters. I was just looking at the baskets out on the table for the kids and there was an egg for her. Tomorrow has become a nightmare about where everyone's eating dinner. My grandmother wanted us all to eat there, not happening. You know stop being so fucking fake. She wants to be this fucking grandmom that she never was. So my brother is going there for dinner, my stepdad is up the Pocono's w/ his stupid gf, and I am having dinner at my house w/ my 2 sisters and all the kids. I wish we were having our Easter dinner like we always did w/ my mom. I wish I could go back in time so bad. I should have saved her. I will never get over that part, I don't care what anyone says. Why did she have to say bye to me? Why did she have to leave me w/ all these feelings of guilt for the rest of my life? It's fucked up. Why couldn't she have just gone out the back door? Mom I love you and miss you sooooo much.Happy heavenly Easter.

What to say?

SO yeah it's been a long time since I last wrote.So much has happened since then.I survived the 1 year anniversary of my mom dying.I did nothing on that day.My family did something but I just wanted to be alone as usual.I don't understand why we would celebrate that day,I hate that day,the worst day of my life.I'm finding myself missing my mom more now than ever.All 3 of my sisters are pregnant.One of them is getting married in May.My mom should be planning all the showers and shit.I've since moved in w/ my sister,which is ok.It kinda helps her out.My life right now seems to be going nowhere.I just turned 30 and don't know what I am doing w/ my life.I finished real estate school,just have to take my state exam.I don't really want to do that.I want to just go move to our house up the mountains and do nothing.My daughter is what keeps me going.SHe is having such a hard time w/ wanting my mom.I just don't know what to say to her anymore.I hate the fact that I have to have her see a shrink.She won her first modeling contest and she was so excited,something else my mom missed.She wants to be a model or a moviestar.I say no but I'm gonna let her go w/ this as much as I can.I just don't want her to be disappointed if she doesn't make it.It's like 1:30am and I just can't sleep.What the fuck is my problem?My mind just won't slow down.I know I'm jumping all over w/ my thoughts.I need a kick in the ass to jumpstart my life.I know that there are people who would love to trade lives w/ me,why I don't know.So if anyone out there in internet land has any advice for me,let me have it.I'm done rambling for now........T

TIME

So last Saturday was 6 months since my mom died.You would think that w/ time it would get easier but I don't believe that.Six hours,days,weeks,months and years.Does it really make a difference?You will always miss that person.So I'm told that at about six months you start coming out of the fog.I do believe that's true.But if you know me, you know that I will fight that hurt and pain.The image of my mom laying in the coffin haunts me.I can't get it out of my head.Her facial expression was that of anger.She looked so pissed.I wish that wasn't the last visual I had of her.I also wish her last words to me weren't that"I'm leaving".I just didn't realize she meant for ever at that moment.She looked me right in the eyes.I can see it like it just happened.I still have this idea in the back of my head that I'm in a coma and this is all a dream.I mean I know that I'll never see her again.But sometimes I'll walk into the house and smell a certain kind of food cooking and think she's in the kitchen.I'll smell her perfume and think she's in the other room.Sometimes I lay in my bed and pretend that she's in the living room watching TV.I just don't know how I'm ever going to get through this.As I cry typing this, there is a part of me that gets very angry for being upset.I have a message to everyone out there in internet land.Don't take your parents for granted.Spend as much time as possible w/ them and tell them often how much you love them.Trust me, you'll wish you did after it's to late.I never told my mom how much I loved her.To late now....................