Memorial Day Weekend

So here starts the day of the beginning of shore season. Everybody all happy and excited. Parties planned for this weekend. People packing up and heading for the beach. Well it's different for me this year. No party this weekend. My mom should be at the shore by now,half loaded and having a good time. I don't see what all the hype is about. I personally don't care about the beach or backyard parties anymore. It just doesn't feel right, it's not the same. I should carry on all the traditions that my mom loved. We should do everything for the kids. I don't want them to remember the summers as being blah. I should take them to the shore for the summer. We should have the big backyard blowouts. But who's gonna cook all the food? Cause we all know that I can't cook. Tomorrow I will take the kids to the parade and the state fair. It's so hard to keep going on with your everyday life and everyday things w/out the person who makes them important. I just hope that w/ time it will get easier. I guess the first summer is going to be the hardest as will be a lot of other first w/out her. My mom has blessed me with so many things that she was unaware of. So many things that I do are because of her. I've learned through my mom.There were good and bad things that have helped me become the person I am. I know that my mom wouldn't want me to be just bumming around all summer. But maybe she should have thought about that before taking the gun out that nite. She said in the note that she would never do anything to hurt us :::::::NEWSFLASH::::::: She lied. How could this not hurt us? What could have been that bad? Why did I let her go? Why wasn't I drunk that nite? WHY WHY WHY? I could go on forever w/ the why's. They can never be answered because she took the answers with her. I've kinda become numb lately.I haven't been able to write because I have no feelings. I heard a saying today that I liked "The ride was worth the fall". And that pretty much sums it up for me. ( Mom I love you, miss you and could you pull some strings w/ the lottery for me?).......T

EVERYTHING SHE'S MISSING

I was laying in bed and I couldn't fall asleep.I just kept thinking about my mom and everything she's missing.So I figured since I hadn't written in awhile that I would.So here is what is going through my mind.She never got to see Anthony walk.He's running around like a mad man now.Never got to see her 3rd granddaughter Alexis.Wow she loves to cry.Annamarie's t-ball games and dance recital.Hailey playing soccer and her modeling poses.My brother singing in his band.She threw Rich his 30th BDay bash and she should be getting his 40th ready next month.Planning Annamarie's 5th BDay party next month.I know she would be planning the menu out already and buying stuff almost EVERYDAY for the parties.She won't see her granddaughters start kindergarten this year.She won't be here to help decorate the first house my sister is buying.She won't see me get married,but hey she wouldn't see that if she still was alive,cause that ain't ever gonna happen.No more Monday night football games.No more NOTHING.Why do we have to do everything w/out her? Even though she's not here physically, all you have to do is look around the house and you feel her in everything you look at.The way things are decorated,organized and the pictures everywhere.You feel her but at the same time this house is so empty.It's almost 4 months and nope,still hasn't set in.I try to understand that she IS gone but my brain still refuses to get that.You try to tell yourself that someone is dead and you're just like "that's not possible".Your brain,or at least mine just can't process that.I don't wanna move on in the grief process.I wanna just stay in the fog.I love my mom and miss her more than words can express.If I could just have one more moment with her,it would be to say "I love you"......T

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY

My sister and me and mom on our first mothers day.

This is our first mothers day without our mom.It really sucks, but her memory will live on forever.I love you MOM!!!!!!

HOW DO I GET THROUGH THIS?

This is what I feel like right now. I'm standing on the shore line and this huge wave is crashing down on me. I'm drowning but I can't get up. The pain just seems to just be getting worse as time goes by. I hurt so bad. Why did it have to be my mom? How do I go on w/out my mom? I hate that fact that I have to go on with my life w/ out her. It is so unfair. This pain is so unbearable at times. I don't want this life. I don't want this to be real. My brain is just not able to comprehend this. Maybe I'm gonna have a breakdown. Maybe I haven't even started to grieve because then it would make it real. I don't want it to be real. I hate this world sooooo much. I hate everything anymore. Someone please stop this pain. Isn't there a magically pill for this? The only thing that keeps me going is my daughter Hailey. She is my world and I will do whatever I have to to keep her from ever feeling this kind of pain. And if I ever lost her, then I would be out of here. I feel so lost right now. I don't even know if I'm making any sense. I don't even know how I'm even typing. Well I guess I'll go to bed and have the joy of knowing that when I awake tomorrow, my mom will still be dead...........T

MOMMY FOREVER
1/10/58~1/23/05

Tribute To Mom's

For those lucky to still be blessed with your Mom this is beautiful. Forthose of us who aren't, this is even more beautiful. The young mother set her foot on the path of life. "Is this the longway?" she asked. And the guide said: "Yes, and the way is hard. Andyou will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning."But the young mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything could be better than these years. So she played with her children, and gathered flowers for them along the way, and bathed them in the clearstreams; and the sun shone on them, and the young Mother cried, "Nothing will ever be lovelier than this." Then the night came, and the storm, and the path was dark, and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and covered them with her mantle, and the children said, "Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come."And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary. But at all times she said to the children, "A little patience and we are there." So the children climbed, and when they reached the top they said, "Mother, we would not have done it without you." And the mother, when she lay down at night looked up at the stars and said, "This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned fortitude in the face of hardness. Yesterday I gave them courage. Today, I have given them strength." And the next day came strange clouds which darkened the earth, clouds of war and hate and evil, and the children groped and stumbled, and the mother said: "Look up. Lift your eyes to the light." And the children looked and saw above the clouds an everlasting glory, and it guided them beyond the darkness. And that night the Mother said, "This is the best day of all, for I have shown my children God."And the days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and the mother grew old and she was little and bent. But her children were tall and strong, and walked with courage. And when the way was rough, they lifted her, for she was as light as a feather; and at last they came to a hill, and beyond they could see a shining road and goldengates flung wide. And mother said: "I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk alone, and their children after them."And the children said, "You will always walk with us, Mother, even whenyou have gone through the gates." And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. And they said: "We cannot see her, but she is with us still. A Mother like ours is more than a memory. She is a living presence."

Your Mother is always with you. She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street; she's the smell of bleach in your freshly laundered socks; she's the cool hand on your brow when you're not well. Your Mother lives inside your laughter. And she's crystallized in every tear drop. She's the place you came from, your first home; and she's the map you follow with every step you take. She's your first love and your first heartbreak, and nothing on earth can separate you... Not time, not space...not even death!

Unknown

I LOVE YOU MOM!

HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO

Grandpop&Mom

Cinco De Mayo

So today is "cinco de mayo".Some of you may not know what that is and some of you may not care. If you knew my mom, then you know what today is. My mom would have the margarita ball out, be preparing the food and it would be party time. My mom knew how to have a party for any holiday. It is slowly and painfully starting to kick in that my mom is gone. As each holiday comes and goes. As each beautiful warm day comes and goes. As we get closer to beach time. How can it be true? My mom was so full of life. It's not freaking fair. The pain that I feel in my heart is the most unbearable pain I've ever felt. You know I find myself becoming more closed off and more detached from people. I would rather not love or care about people, then to do it and then have your heart ripped from your chest and be left w/ a void that can not be filled. To me it is not worth it. It is a lot safer to put my walls up and have the heart made of stone. I just don't understand anymore. How do I get through this? It's only been 3 months and it's just getting harder. Noone asks anymore how I'm doing.My family still feels the pain. I guess everyone else thinks you get over it, well you don't. If I don't talk about her then people won't. I will never forget my mom and I will never let anyone else who knew her forget her. I miss her more than any words can describe. I would give anything or do anything to have more time with her. Anyway I don't really feel like being upset right now, so I'm gonna end it here. Cheers mom. Never forget!!!!.......T

PICTURES

I just was looking at all these pictures I have, some from a very long time ago and some from recently. When you look back at pictures, you would never in a million years think that some of the people you would no longer talk to, some that you would not see anymore or some that would no longer be alive. You look at some of these pictures and see how happy you were. As I was looking at some of the pictures from my sisters wedding last August, I couldn't but notice how happy everyone was, how everybody was hugging and laughing. Well things have changed a lot since then. Since my mom died, certain people don't talk. The friendships and relationships have faded or died off with the passing of my mother. She took a piece of a lot of people's hearts with her. Then you look way back at the pictures when you were young. Now I'm sure a lot of things are different from the life then. But really look at those pictures. Look how carefree you were. Look how stupid things made you laugh. Then as you got older we have the rebellious years(sometimes the pics that noone else saw)Your friends were your life and your world. Now, there are some really stupid things that we did for those pictures. But if we didn't have the pictures, then we wouldn't have a lot of the memories. I think you should go find all your old pictures and sit down and just look through them. It will bring you smiles, tears, but most of all unforgetable memories. I don't know why I decided to write about this, but it's my blog and I'll do what I want......T

The Warrior is a Child

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears
They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
Cuz deep inside this armor The warrior is a child
Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet
They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
Cuz deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

Twila Paris

LETTER TO MOMMOM

My 4 year old daughter asked me to write a letter to my mom from her. So she told me what to write and I did. I really had to fight back my tears writting this.So this is her short little letter.

Mommom,
I love you very much. I'll never let you down. I miss you and I want to come to heaven to see you. My mommy loves me and takes good care of me while you in heaven. Me and Annamarie are best friends and miss you a lot. I didn't want you to die and go away. I always want God to take good care of you. I want you to hug me like you always did. Maybe sometime I can see you again. Why did you leave your jeep here? Is the baby puppy with you? I love you forever........